The funny conversation and jokes thread, AKA: Dr Strangebloke, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love MSN Options

[Blackbuck]

I have the timestamps on my MSN as standard lol.

[Blackscorpion]

Blackscorpy:
You could threaten to chop it off UNLESS I ask her out...
Benoist sanoo:
I doubt that you'll feel threatened by that
Blackscorpy:
She might be
Benoist):
"I got a guy in South America that will cut his own arm if you don't go out with me"
Benoist:
yeah
Benoist:
great pick up line

The usual stuff...

[pMASTER]

Andi: You!!!
x-ray: I'm sorry.
Andi: And rightfully so!
Andi: I've just returned from the hospital.
x-ray: Wat?
Andi: Your crazy dog broke my arm.
x-ray: Wtd
x-ray: Wtf*
x-ray: Oh fuck! o_o
x-ray: Did it come apart?
Andi: ^^ I just wanted to shock you. On a second thought, I should have better started a video chat session.
x-ray: Asshole!

It must be mentioned that I had been subject to lots of bad pun over the weekend.

[D@V£]

You should have told him that compulsive lying was a side-effect of your rabies!

[Toadball]

On teamspeak earlier...
MiniMark: Waaagh!
JynX: What!?
Minimark: A rabbit!
JynX: ...what?
Minimark: A rabbit ran across the road!
JynX: oh?
Minimark: It could have had a gun!
JynX: ah...wait, what?

[D@V£]

JynX: ah...wait, what?

I agree.

[Blackbuck]

Clicky You can never tell.

[D@V£]

German bank 'blown up by robbers in botched raid'

"Suspected robbers in Germany appear to have miscalculated the quantity of explosives needed to blow their way into a rural bank."

...

You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!

[Blackscorpion]

On teamspeak earlier...
MiniMark: Waaagh!
JynX: What!?
Minimark: A rabbit!
JynX: ...what?
Minimark: A rabbit ran across the road!
JynX: oh?
Minimark: It could have had a gun!
JynX: ah...wait, what?

I consider that a perfectly normal conversation topic in ArmA 2/ACE 2... it's not that unusual for me to literally yell out "RABBIT!" in Teamspeak when seeing one.

[D@V£]

[Wittmann] says:
well there is always Mark...
*sigh*

[D@v£] says:
But Mark's Mark!
That's like saying, "we don't have any Hitler Salsa, but there's some Stalin Mayonnaise"
I mean, it's just not right, you know?
Stalin's Mayonnaise would probably be made cactuses instead of eggs
That's just wrong man!

I hasten too add that, yes, I have been drinking, but not as much as I intend to be later.
I finished exams today, so... yeah...

[pMASTER]

Bad pun time.

Mary wants a baby, so she stops to take the pill.
Unbeknownst to her, her husband buys condoms anyway. In the evening, he walks into the bathroom, slips the condom over and subsequently has a go on her.
When they're done, Mary leans back happily and says "The only thing's left to do now is to find a name for the child."
Her bloke strips the rubber off, looks at his shot, makes a knot and says "If he can get outta there: David Copperfield".

What's worse?
Getting a head job from a guy or doing tightrobe walking a hundred metres in the air?

Well, just don't look down.

I think my wife's cheating on me. - Why's that? - We moved from Edinburgh to London last year and we still have the same Pizza boy.

[Blackscorpion]

Seen originally in "a research" (in Finnish) a friend linked me to... I gave a shot at translating it.

Does Santa Claus exist?

1. To our knowledge there are no flying reindeer; we have roughly 300,000 species to still go through (mostly insects). The possibility of flying reindeer actually existing isn't completely nonexistant.

2. There are roughly 2 billion children in the world; due to religious reasons (Muslims, Hindu etc.), Santa only has to visit roughly 15% (378 million). On average a family has 3.5 children, so he has to visit 108 million homes.

3. Santa has 31 hours to work when we take into account time zones and rotation of Earth. That means 967.7 visits per second. That means roughly 1/1,000 s to stop, park, jump down, give the gifts, get back to the sled and go to the next house. On average, the distance between two homes is 1.3 km, which equals to 140 million km travelled. This translates to a velocity of 1,040 km/s, or Mach 21,500. For comparison, a traditional reindeer travels at a top speed of 25 km/h.

4. The weight of the sled is another point of interest. Assuming each child gets a pack of Legos (500 g), the sled will weight over 189,000,000 kg; we also have to add Santa who is often described as being grossly overweight. A normal reindeer can pull about 140 kg. Even when assuming that a flying reindeer can pull ten times that, we still need, not 8 or 9, but 135,000 reindeer. Not counting the weight of the sled itself, we get a total weight of 210,000,000 kg now.

5. 210,000 tonnes travelling at 1,040 km/s creates a massive drag which heats the reindeer similar to a spacecraft on re-entry. The first pair of reindeer consumes 14,3 x 10^30 Joules/s/reindeer. In a short time all the reindeer will burst into flames. The resulting chain reaction leads to all the reindeer exploding. The whole pack of reindeer will vaporize in 1/4,620 seconds. Santa will experience 17,500 G. Santa, weighting 120 kg, will be pushed to the back of the sled at a force of 1,959,016 kg.

Our research came to the conclusion that IF Santa Claus gave presents last Christmas - he's dead now. The other option is that "Santa Claus" is a big scam (which is unlikely due to the numerous amount of witnesses claiming to see him around the world on yearly basis)... The research continues...

[D@V£]

Don't mess with Chinese farmers!

[D@V£]

An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.


Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie


At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.


That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

[pMASTER]

Oh good God

<DerLothar> Dude you're bitching about your sister around-the-clock.
<XMaster> But she is a stupid bitch
<XMaster> The other day she ran into my room and slapped me in the face
<DerLothar> lol?
<XMaster> Yeah just off-handedly for no reason
* XMaster has quit IRC (gone)
<tine> And if he doesn't stop talking crap now I'll plant another one on his kisser!
<DerLothar> O_O

[Elliot Carver]

If World War One was a bar Fight...

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault . While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.

http://www.sickipedia.org/index

[pMASTER]

Another chat session gem from G-B.org

<Peter> Shit, power failure.
<Terminator> ...
<Terminator> You're sure it wasn't just the light bulb that broke?
<Peter> ?
<Peter> How could you tell that?

[Wittmann]

It would seem everyone here is dead. Or has found a real life to live.

[Wittmann]

Pretty much.

[D@V£]

So, for various reasons (that totally don't relate to me being far too lazy to install the required update for a few months), I've not been on MSN messenger for... a while... this was waiting for me when I got back.

Toadball said (07/05/2011 at 19:45):
...
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