Becoming an Evil Overlord, The Game Options

[JdB]

I came across this list a while ago, and thought it would make a perfect game for the brainless witty members of this forum. The first 24 are the originals, the last 3 are added by me. Everyone may add a maximum of 3 new original hints (so no slight variations) in every post (and may not post again until someone else has). The person to come up with the most hints will get a cookie. Target: 100 tips on how to Become an Evil Overlord!

Anyone caught using ones off of other websites (dunno if there are any, but would be easy to check) will be appointed Court Jester for all eternity. If no one is appointed before we reach 100, D@V£ will automatically receive this honorary title.

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IF I EVER BECOME AN EVIL OVERLORD:

1 My legions of terror will have helmets with clear
plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2 My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3 My noble half-brother who throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4 Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5 The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6 I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7 When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-to-one and asks, "Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No,
just sensible."

8 When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot
him.

9 After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10 I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large button labeled
"Danger: Do Not Push".

11 I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12 I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

13 I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14 I will not waste time making my enemies death look like an accident: I'm
not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15 I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
simply choose to show none.

16 One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17 All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of a
cliff. The announcement of their death, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18 My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere to any other dress codes.

19 The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.

20 I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan in operation.

21 I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to
never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he has caused.

22 I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you there's just one
thing I want to know."

23 When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.

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24 After the men, I will kill all women and children without prejudice
as well. Nothing sucks more than getting a knife thrust into the back
from some widow I had dragged into my chambers the night before.

25 Rather than waiting for the inevitable ambush whilst pursuing the hero
into a dark forest with only a handful of men, I will burn down the forest
and then have my army search every inch of it for survivors, who will be
mercilessly slain right away.

26 Prioritizing the distribution of food to soldiers rather than weak civilians
makes sense. The soldiers will be happy with their lives, and won't even
consider overthrowing me, and the civilians will be too malnourished to
even undertake a half decent rebellion.

This post has been edited by JdB: Nov 12 2008, 15:31

[pMASTER]

Why am I not surprised.

[Toadball]

27: Rather than waste man power, food and money on large prisons I will simply execute those I capture.
28. I will not leave one alive to spread tales of my evil, he will be executed so that I do not draw unecessary attention.

[Deadeye]

29 ..I'd ban gangsta rap !

That's the only one I can think of atm...fuck I'm too nice

[D@V£]

30. I will never hire Rube Goldberg to design my deathtraps.

31. I will wear a hat. Not a hat that's secretly a bomb, or some sort of crown or any crap like that. Just a plain Fedora. (This might seem a bit odd at first, but think about it, which of the bond villains has ever worn a hat? What mega-villian has ever worn just a plain hat? There's got to be a connection here. Odd Job takes his hat off to fight, so he doesn't count )

32. I will not base my operation in any of the following locations:
A Volcano, underwater, space, the Antarctic, a castle, anything that's easily exploded, anywhere with uninhabitable external conditions or anywhere generally stupid.

A locked caretakers cupboard will do just fine

33. Nuclear weapons! NUCLEAR WEAPONS! NUCLEAR WEAPONS! NUCLEAR WEAPONS! Who really needs anything else...

34. I will position cardboard cutouts of myself behind every door. Just to ensure jumpy would be hero's waste ammo.

35. I will carry a 4x2 with a nail stuck through it at all times.

[Toadball]

Odd Job takes his hat off to fight, so he doesn't count

Is odd job not a minion? I tend to go with villains being the head honchos of the operations.

[D@V£]

Is odd job not a minion? I tend to go with villains being the head honchos of the operations.

To be fair, I'd guess he's a trusted lieutenant... but that statement was aimed more at bad guys in general than just overlords....

36. I will invest in at least one security camera.

I mean, you'd think if you had a huge underground base and an entire private army you'd have some sort of surveillance system, even if it was to find out who stole all the digestives from the break room... but I've yet to see a spy movie where the villain has any camera's at all...

[Daniel]

Slight Quantam of Solace spoiler:

32. I will not base my operation in any of the following locations:
A Volcano, underwater, space, the Antarctic, a castle, anything that's easily exploded, anywhere with uninhabitable external conditions or anywhere generally stupid

Watched the film, immediately thought of this. I mean come on. A secret lair filled with fuel cells? Even the General Villain quips that it sounds unstable! When will they learn...

This post has been edited by Daniel: Nov 18 2008, 00:39

[Toadball]

He jynxed it when he said that to be perfectly honest.
and on that note:
37: I will never, even accidentally allude to potential hazards to my plan.

[D@V£]

38. I will occasionally allude to false hazards in my plan!

(such as, my new super-minions only weakness is being given a gun by any would-be hero, or randomly stating out loud that my toxic waste pipes are actually full of wine gums)

[JdB]

39. I shall not leave the garbage disposal shaft, which conveniently leads to the center of my base of operations, guarded by the single most incompetent soldier in my army.

40. I shall have every soldier in my army graded monthly, those that do not pass with a 7/10 or higher will be shot. I will personally oversee the overseers. Those with a grade below 8/10 will be shot as well.

41. I shall have a grinder installed in this disposal shaft that grinds everything over a centimeter in size down to a molecular level, and have the on/off switch in my own office. Also to completely block this unavoidable point of entry, I shall make the shaft a one-way street, with the correct signs at each end.

[Toadball]

All you need to make it complete is a parking warden or two so that those who do try to go down said chute cannot stop without getting fined for it at least

[D@V£]

Personally, I'd just use an incinerator for garbage disposal...

[JdB]

42. I will invest heavily into new-media, because quite frankly if the internet can make a murderous terrorist like Che Guevara, or a time and time again proven totally disastrous system like communism popular, than it will certainly boost the support for my regime of doubtful legitimacy to new heights.

43. Questioning and doubting the government will be outlawed, instead a FAQ will be created on my website, to which the last question will read "Q. What if my question isn't listed here?" the answer being "A. You will be shot along with the rest of your family."

44. I shall outlaw all other political parties, since debating only takes up valuable time that could have been used better, and I am a firm believer in monologues towards my opponents, such as firing squads.

[Gunslinger]

45. I will not piss off the superpowers, but attack the small nations that have oil. then sell the oil to the superpowers.
46. I will not form a cult around my self. ( the hero is always help by someone in deep, that is loyal to the old religion)
47. If i have to flee my HQ it will not be in a vehicle that says "hay look over here is the Evil Overlord" a simple box car on a cargo train will work.
48. all ventilation grates will be properly fastened with tamper proof screws.
49. I will say away form drugs. (Hitler did speed, lots and lots of speed, that did not turn out so well)

This post has been edited by Gunslinger: Nov 23 2008, 09:12