The funny conversation and jokes thread, AKA: Dr Strangebloke, or, how I learned to stop worrying and love MSN Options

[Blackbuck]

I was in turn linked it from a greater being

[Blackscorpion]

Is there something about young Mark that we do not know?

Well, he is known to have Googled into porn sites without even trying to...

[Blackbuck]

Tis true. Google DSO and see what happens when you try to find the medal

[DaRat]

Love this one

Why I Fired My Secretary



Last week was my birthday
and I didn't feel very well
waking up that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast
hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
'Happy Birthday!',
and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out,
she barely said good morning, let alone
' Happy Birthday.'

I thought...
'Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids...
They will remember.'

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast
and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low
and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said,
'Good Morning Boss,
and by the way
Happy Birthday ! '
It felt a little better
that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock , when Jane knocked on my door
and said,

'You know,
It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your birthday, what do you say we go out to lunch,
just you and me.'
I said, 'Thanks, Jane,
that's the greatest thing
I've heard all day.
Let's go!'

We went to lunch.
But we didn't go
where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day...
We don't need to go straight back to the office, do we ?'

I responded, 'I guess not.
What do you have in mind ?'
She said,
'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said,
'Boss, if you don't mind,
I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'
'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and,
after a couple of minutes,
she came out
carrying a huge birthday cake ...Followed
by my wife, my kids,
and dozens of my friends
and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.


And I just sat there...


On the couch...


Naked.

[Toadball]

Due to many failures in my planned line of work for later life by would be collegues (Dr. Evil, Emperor Ming, Darth Vader, The bond villians association, george w. bush etc etc) I, with others have compiled the new Evil Overlord's Rule of Thumb...

*********************************

IF I EVER BECOME AN EVIL OVERLORD:

1 My legions of terror will have helmets with clear
plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

2 My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.

3 My noble half-brother who throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

4 Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

5 The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box.

6 I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

7 When the rebel leader challenges me to fight one-to-one and asks, "Or
are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No,
just
sensible."

8 When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot
him.

9 After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately
in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during
which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.

10 I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large button labelled
"Danger: Do Not Push".

11 I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is
destined to overthrow me -- I'll do it myself.

12 I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum -- a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well.

13 I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat.

14 I will not waste time making my enemies death look like an accident: I'm
not accountable to anyone and my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

15 I will make it clear that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy"; I
simply choose to show none.

16 One of my advisers will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

17 All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of a
cliff. The announcement of their death, as well as any accompanying
celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

18 My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members
of my organisation, nor will they be required to wear military boots or
adhere
to any other dress codes.

19 The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request.

20 I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the
counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan in operation.

21 I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad
scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to
never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he has caused.

22 I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you there's just one
thing I want to know."

23 When I employ people as advisers, I will occasionally listen to their
advice.

[D@V£]

Due to many failures in my planned line of work for later life by would be collegues (Dr. Evil, Emperor Ming, Darth Vader, The bond villians association, george w. bush etc etc) I, with others have compiled the new Evil Overlord's Rule of Thumb...

Shouldn't that be a bit longer? I remeber it being longer!?

Why are you censoring the content!?

[Toadball]

To hide our true intentions

[GIJOE94]

Here's a football joke. (No offence to any aston villa fans out there.)
A man walks into a bar and sits next to his mate. He says: "Evry time Blues score a goal, my dog jumps 10 feet into the air!" His friend reply's: "How high does he jump when aston villa score a goal?". The man with is dog says: " Hang on a second! I've only had him 10 years!"

[brataccas]

noone is normal on this forum

[JdB]

noone is normal on this forum

If we were normal, we wouldn't be on this forum. There's a direct connection

[D@V£]

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son...



Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice

Son : "I will choose my own bride".

Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."

Son : "Well, in that case..."



Next Jack approaches Bill Gates...

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."

Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."

Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."

Bill Gates: "Ah, in that case..."



Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank...

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."

President: "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."

Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."

President: "Ah, in that case....."






This is how business is done.

[Rellikki]

Rellikki says:
i have something important to tell you!

Dave says:
Go ahead
But it'd better be important!
Because if it isn't...

Rellikki says:
some people DO like nazis!

Dave says:
WHAT THE f*ck!?

Rellikki says:
namely the nazis themselfs!

Dave says:
This is very important.

Rellikki says:
yes, yes it is

Dave says:
TO THE WAR ROOM!

Rellikki says:
ok!
what are we doing in the war room?

Dave says:
I dunno, I just like the batman style cut we have when we go here
You know, the "Dun-na-na-na-na-na-nah!" one, with swirling logo...

Rellikki says:
ok then, but we need our own logo to do it

Dave says:
I have my own logo thank you!

Rellikki says:
ok
let's do it then...

Dave says:
TO THE WAR ROOM!
*Dun-na-na-na-na-na-nah*

Rellikki says:
yees

[Linker Split]

I don't know if it is either funny or miserable, but it's surely worrying
Legend: Green is for the man who is not evil, red is for evil!

Linker Split wrote:
so mapping is more important than moderating?

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] wrote:
no, mapping is more important than protecting someone that always manages to get himself into trouble (referring to me)

Linker Split wrote:
so you are saying that I don't need protection John, do I?

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] wrote:
well, for a considerable donation...

Linker Split wrote:
how much?
(after ten seconds Linker Split realized)
so you are similar to Mafia?
(after ten seconds Linker Split realized again)
no wait, you are Mafia
gasp!

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] wrote:
haven't you ever noticed that the way we treat members is exactly like the mafia?

(while writing this reply to this topic, Linker Split says to John)
Linker Split wrote:
now you'll be on ArmA.info forum
Thanks for the info m8

[Toadball]

Andrew: Your girlfriend is a complete cow sometimes
Peter: Excuse me?!
Andrew: All due respect given though!
Peter: Ah right, well thats ok then.

Smoothness personified...is not me

[JdB]

Dave: OH GOD! :-O I've killed Rellikki.
Dave: We need to get out of here fast.
JdB: nice job
Dave: Now, if you want your own clone just send me a DNA sample.
Dave: Semen doesn't work before you get that idea.
JdB: too bad
Dave: Yes, because you seem to have far too much of it spare :@
JdB: http://www.princeharryhero.com/
Dave: Don't think you can distract me by using my patriotism against me :@
23:17:33: D@ve is now Away (was Online)
JdB: "Yes, because you seem to have far too much of it spare :@" how would you know? (I don't even have a webcam)
23:18:36: D@ve is now Online (was Away)
Dave: Because everything you say is a form of euphmism for masturbation...
JdB: or maybe you just want to see that euphmism no matter what
Dave: No, because no one else does it. I'd like to ask you to stop it, it's really creepy :-O
JdB: well you brought it up
Dave: THERE! :-O You did again.
JdB: what are you coming on about?
JdB: you should try to control yourself
JdB: with outbursts like that
JdB: or else you'll explode!
JdB: in a vulcano of fury
Dave: GODDAMMIT! :@
This is unacceptable. There could be children watching.
Dave: Is that really the message you want to send out to the youth of today with your foul brainwashing techniques!? :-O
Dave: I'm sorry, but I've got no choice but to give you a PG-13 rating.
Dave: And a small trophy to commerate your promotion to PG-13. It's a big one, and I wish you the best of luck.
JdB: Thanks

[D@V£]

And now presenting; The stuff JdB didn't want you to see!

Dave says:
http://forum.armedassault.info/index.php?s...0&start=400
Mark Doubleposted!

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
nice try

Dave says:
But he did double post...
Are you trying to say that just because I noticed it, it changes that fact that he did doublepost?

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
it only counts if it was two or more posts in the same 3 days

Dave says:
That...
I don't check the times on posts
I don't believe in time. It's all in the mind you know...

http://www.commonplacebook.com/jokes/clone_of_my_own.shtm

Here enjoy this poem.

I've actually managed to persuede Jahve to do this

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
sick stuff

Dave says:
Not really.
There's plenty of worse stuff out there. What about Anime?
Some of that's just disgusting.

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
I think you mean Hentai
although most anime is disturbing as well

Dave says:
Hentai is Anime.
It's just a subclassification

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
grown men fantasizing about little schoolgirls

*insert seen fragment here*

Dave sends Shilka4.jpg

Dave says:
Well, heres my tank. Look impressed
I know its really crap, but at least try and make me believe I've done something worthwhile at least once in my life

Transfer of "Shilka4.jpg" is complete.

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
ah it's a tank, thanks for telling me...

Dave says:
Curse you Baron de Bodt!

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
it's very nice *tries to look as honest as possible*

Dave says:
Well, I guess at least my policemen won't suck so badley
badly even

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
did you remodel them?

Dave says:
Well, sort of
I stuck the hat from the eastern officer onto the resistance officer

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
true remodelling....

Dave says:
Quiet you elitist!
Why would need to remodel them? That'd just add extra work? There's already a good hat from the eastern officer with a UV map and everything...

[JdB] +¤|John »â€ «|¤+ [I44] says:
I would call that replacing rather than remodelling

Dave says:
Yeah, well, if you want to go to the trouble of remaking every asset when there's perfectly good versions already available then be my guest

Har-Har! Take that authority!



EDIT: Supplimental:

Dave says:
And he hasn't posted the full conversation!

[c=#A8FF00][c=#E89E3C]Mark[/c] | A Walking Talking Anomyly![/c] says:
Slap him

Dave says:
I'll post the rest and say it's stuff he DIDN'T WANT YOU TO SEE!

[c=#A8FF00][c=#E89E3C]Mark[/c] | A Walking Talking Anomyly![/c] says:
Do it do it do it!

[Blackbuck]

Bravo my little pet Welshman, bravo.

D@V£ 1 | JdB 0

[Toadball]

I look away from this place for 2 secs and the welsh revolt...wow how do i miss this stuff!?

[Blackbuck]

Your not very active on MSN is how.

[Toadball]

not my fault i sleep in till 10 am, miss my morning lectures go to the afternoon ones ain't back till 6 and then sit n talk to the flat mates till 11pm...

well maybe it is